"TW DOMESTIC ABUSE ——

When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:

"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”

And the most frequent response of all:

"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”

These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”

A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”

The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable….

"

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via seebster)

THIS BOOK SAVED MY LIFE AND I CANNOT RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH
EVERYONE ON EARTH SHOULD READ THIS *except abusers

(via theinconstantones)

(via occupiedmuslim)

@21 hours ago with 48504 notes
superwholocked-in-albion:

jeankd:

thegoddamazon:

The most important line in the whole damn song. MESSAGE.

The only historically accurate line in the whole film. 

excuse u

superwholocked-in-albion:

jeankd:

thegoddamazon:

The most important line in the whole damn song. MESSAGE.

The only historically accurate line in the whole film. 

excuse u

(via occupiedmuslim)

@2 days ago with 367226 notes

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."

@1 week ago with 3 notes
#black beauty #anna sewell #quotes #qotd #humanity #food for thought 
atamponinaglass:

IS THIS CONDUCTIVE INK IM GOING TO SCREAM

atamponinaglass:

IS THIS CONDUCTIVE INK IM GOING TO SCREAM

(via arrogantlampshade)

@1 week ago with 333645 notes

sixpenceee:

This is beautiful and it’s amazing to me that it had such a positive outcome and not lifelong hateful grudges, which is probably what these attackers deserved. 

FOR MORE PORTRAITS AND THE OFFICIAL WEBPAGE

(via thebeautyofislam)

@2 weeks ago with 16334 notes
@1 day ago with 5014 notes
@6 days ago with 1043 notes

midcenturymodernfreak:

Modern “New Khmer Architecture”

Institute of Foreign Languages (IFL) | Architect: Vann Molyvann | Phnom Penh, Cambodia - Via: 1 | 2

@1 week ago with 195 notes

清辉阁 2014 春季新款刺绣汉服

Qinghuige Hanfu 2014 Spring collection and embroidery designs 

(Source: mingsonjia, via nemuriouji)

@2 weeks ago with 9613 notes

sweetwhatsername:

f-l-e-u-r-d-e-l-y-s:

Truth is Beauty by Marco Cochrane

One of the most eye-catching artworks at this year’s Burning Man festival was a 55-feet tall sculpture of a woman in a beautifully elegant pose. Truth is Beauty is the second of three sculptures in a series called The Bliss Project by artist Marco Cochrane. Constructed of welded steel rods and balls and covered in stainless steel mesh skin, the massive sculpture had interactive lighting effects that made it constantly change.

This makes me think of San Francisco and the lovely Denise Jolly

(Source: asylum-art)

@2 weeks ago with 157886 notes