Ramble in the Night
I really should be more grateful for the many things I have in life. But every once in a while, I just need to collapse and break down.
These last few weeks have been really, quite taxing on my mind and body. I’m just completely mentally and physically exerted. Camelback was really the last thing that broke me.
I’ve never been particularly fit and well taken care of, but recently, everything’s been taking a toll. Voices and my little ones, whom I normally could never crack down on, have been upsetting me in various ways. I keep attempting to attribute it to outer resources, but I’m beginning to realize the issue stems with me.
I cannot hold a stable conversation without feeling throbs of black or white flashes and blinking lights. Standing up and walking, or sitting down or turning around can induce sudden blackouts and a severe headache.
Normally I can attempt to recuperate with a night’s sleep, but in the last year or two, I’ve woken up only feeling like a few more days’ sleep would have healed me. I could sleep for days and months and years and still not feel enough.
In particular, I am especially bitter about this online statistics class I’m taking as a pre-requisite for math in graduate school. Nothing on the professor, because it is no one’s fault save mine. In fact my professor has bent over backwards to help me with my homework assignments and work and done all he can to assist me.
And yet, no matter how much I try to make time to do my work, constantly, more work comes up on other fronts in after-school work and/or within the regular schedule of life. I currently work until 8 PM almost all weeknights from 7 AM and then teach back-to-back classes within the entire day. I volunteer with two organizations and am taking an additional stats class on top of managing regular database work for the school website. I am completely sapped, drained and exerted. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot summon enough energy to do any work throughout the week. And then weekends hit. Fullblown. And of course, each one is filled with constant copious amounts of events and assignments. In fact, my own eye appointment to update my contacts was delayed for five months straight because of an inability to make an appointment from the constant appointments over weekends.
I feel almost rather like a fish out of water. Gasping, gasping, and yet nothing comes to quench my dire need to return to status quo.
Coming home from another missed assignment and attempt to chase time and do fifty things at once, teaching Chinese class, mending the Secondary issue, working the front desk and supposedly attending a birthday party (didn’t end up happening), I found halfway through the day that the entire lower half of my body was shaking visibly. I ended up wolfing down a hot dog and drinking abhorrent amounts of liquid. Busy with preparations, I did not have a chance to begin my online assignments until 5 hours pre-due date. And then of course, I was supposed to send home my charge, only to discover that my little sister had left my car keys in my mother’s car… which was unreachable somewhere in Scottsdale.
After a phone chase of referrals, and frantically searching the entire school, I left a voicemail on my mother’s phone, telling her I needed my keys to go home. Eventually I was able to send home the girl and get started on work. 4 hours pre-due date.
Two hours in, my mother called frantically to see where I was and why I wasn’t home. Only to then discover why I was still stranded. I finished a single homework assignment (of four) and was carted home, where I finished the first quiz.
I discovered there was no dinner left (always a sore point of contention) and ended up deciding to make macaroni, half terrified I was going to miss the deadline and half too tired and hungry to give a damn. At this point, I was just mentally broken. The macaroni softened, so I moved to pour out the water; half forgetting why I was even pouring it out and where I needed to move the noodles.
So I burned my finger from the steam.
Typical.
At this point I just lost it. The macaroni that is. It had fallen into the sink into a pile of steaming hot starch.
That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore and began to wail. It was a horrifying sight. I ended up sniffling to myself generally wallowing in self-pity.
To be honest, I know this really isn’t worth crying over. And I know I’m simply having a freak-out. But I can’t help but feel very angry at myself for having wasted my money on a class I cannot even dedicate time to taking only to have an invalidated score which will mean nothing to the grad school. A waste of money and now I have to spend even more time pirating for a new scholarship or internship to sail me through with expenses in grad school.
Concerns. Concerns I simply don’t have the courage to face. Neither courage nor the time.
@3 months ago with 2 notes#self-pity #sleep
